The five don'ts

It is in human nature to ask questions. People ask questions because they want information. People also ask questions because they have certain expectations in their minds, even about other people's lives. When those expectations are not seen to be manifesting, naturally, questions are triggered. People ask questions to fill in the gaps in their minds. People asks questions because they want to know. Sometimes, if not most of the time, the things that they want to know are totally none of their business but well, that doesn't stop them from wanting to know. The best would be to wait to be told if at all the person concerned wants to share. In most cases, unbeknown to us, in our quest to get information to satisfy our curious minds or our competitive selves, other people end up getting hurt. I will write my top five discussions that one should be very sensitive about when having with those within their sphere. Don't ask someone when they are getting married In our minds, someone who has reached a certain age should get married. As a result, people carelessly ask such a person when they are getting married. This question makes it seem like a partner is a product that one can easily walk into a shop and buy. Getting married takes finding the right person and being ready. For some, they so desire to get married but they have not found the right partner or have been heart broken and giving themselves time to heal. Asking such questions only increase the hurt. At times it creates unnecessary pressure. Many people enter into marriages to fulfil people's expectations and the results are often disastrous. Because we don't know what people are going through in their social lives, let them be, let us not ask questions that pierce people's hearts through opening the wounds of their struggles. Don't ask someone when they are having a child Everyone who gets married must have children right? Fair expectation, except that it is more complicated than what one thinks. Up to the time I got married, I used to think that having children, including when and how many was an easy choice that married couples have. I was totally blinded to issues of conception that many young couples are facing today. I came face to face with it when we struggled to conceive for just over one year into our marriage. It was a tough time if you would ask me. Since then, I have known many couples within my sphere who have also struggled with the same problem, some up to six or seven years. Some have been married for a number of years and still don't have children. You then hear people asking, "when are you having children?" Such an insensitive question rips through the hearts of people struggling with conception and it hurts! Because we don't know what people are going through in their lives, let us have the wisdom to know what questions to ask and how to ask them, that is if we have to ask at all. Don't comment about someone's weight When Chadwick Boseman from Black Panther passed away a few months ago, there was a lot of commentary about how people had made fun of his weight without knowing that he was dying of cancer. People loosely comment about others losing or gaining weight without knowing the struggles that people are going through in their lives. Depending on how close you are to a person, they might or might not tell you what they are going through but such questions have the potential of ripping their hearts as the answer to such questions may be rooted in the struggles they may be going through in their lives. Don't asks questions aimed at comparing yourself with someone Drawing lessons from the biblical story of Hannah, someone once said that what gave Peninnah joy was not the fact that she had children but rather, it was that Hannah did not have children. There are people who find joy not in what they have accomplished but rather in what their peers don’t have or rather, in that their peers are worse off. They gain satisfaction in knowing that they are better, they have achieved more, they are more successful. Such people ask questions to find out the progress that other people have made in their lives. They are ignorant of the fact that each person runs their own race. We might have been in the same class at school or grown up together, but each person has their own course. Wisdom is found in living our own lives rather than being curious about how others are living theirs. Our joy and satisfaction should be derived from what we have not what others don't have. Don't remind someone about their chequered past People are fighting many battles and many have a past that they are not proud of and are trying to overcome or they have succeeded in overcoming. The person that one was yesterday is not necessarily the same that they are today or will be tomorrow. One might have made mistakes that they are working hard to correct or that they have managed to overcome. It is not right to continue identifying them with, joking or reminding them about their past. We don't know the guilt, pain or regret that the memories of their past invoke. Making references to their past is like ripping open the wounds that have already healed. Don't be insensitive to other people's struggles When we interact with others, there is risk of being oblivious to their challenges. It is things like, how do you share the good news that you are expecting a child with a couple that is struggling to conceive? How do you share the news of your promotion with a friend who is struggling to get a job? At times such good news is shared in such an insensitive manner that it leaves the other party hurt. The hurt does not come from a space of being jealousy but rather from the justifiable reason that they are equally looking for that elusive breakthrough. It might not necessarily be in big things but in whatever we do and in the successes we score, it is important to be sensitive to other people's current challenges. So, should we not celebrate our successes for the fear of offending those within our sphere who are going through challenges? The answer is no but it requires wisdom.